Simon Cowell's haircut

His centre parting is becoming so extreme it looks like you should stick your shoe into his head to get it polished.

Piers Morgan's M&S advert

What qualifies that twat to go on about steak?

Men that wipe their bogies on the toilet walls

I have at least one colleague who does this, his exact identity is unknown to me at present. I wonder if his toilet at home is literally covered with dry snot?

Sky Sports "talking points"

Now Sky Sports generally do an OK-job with their football coverage, but why even if they have presided over the biggest 0-0 shite-fest of the season do they insist on digging up some "talking points" to pad out their irritating coverage with Jamie "see my genitals in my suit trousers" Redknapp and the gang?

"Well I've seen them given for that"

No you haven't you twat.

Smug Mac users

Don't get me wrong, I own a mac, but some mac owners act is if they're members of some secret club and have an air of "I don't use windows" superiority that qualifies them to spunk untold amounts of money on any product with an apple on it (eg - preordering the iphone).

It's a mac you geek, the fonts are a bit different and the icons are in a different place, you have not discovered the cure for AIDS.

Rhythmic Clapping

I hate rhythmic fucking clapping. You know the sort of clapping, not genuine spontaneous applause, but when an audience claps along "in time" to a band, such as in the audience to Strictly Come Dancing.

It is at it's worst in the encore at the end of a West End musical. "Oooh look at me, I've had such a lovely time I'm clapping with all these idiots."